


Smackdown

by moor



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, F/M, Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-18
Updated: 2016-02-18
Packaged: 2018-05-21 09:58:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6047392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moor/pseuds/moor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AN: Another MadaSaku Modern AU one-shot (crack!fic) I had posted to my LJ ages ago (April 2011?). A trip to the mall ends poorly. For everyone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Smackdown

 

* * *

 

"Froggy footie PJs?"

  
"Two Christmases ago, remember?"

  
"New bedding?"

  
Sasuke gave her a look.

  
"Well, we can't just get him ramen vouchers. I refuse to contribute to his questionably lethal sodium levels," Sakura groused, folding her arms across her chest, just under her breasts. "But grocery gift certificates…"

  
"He'd just spend it on instant ramen."

  
She glared at him. And his irrefutable logic. Stupid Uchiha.

  
"Well, what do you recommend?"

  
"Ramen vouchers."

  
As she stomped off in an unladylike huff a few feet ahead of him, Sasuke smirked. _Too easy._

"What about some long-distance cards, so he can call Jiraiya more often?"

Sasuke thought it over. "Sure."

"And new socks. Maybe underwear & undershirts? Shoot, I should have checked his sneakers the other day…" Sakura fretted, trying to remember the state of their friend's essentials.

"Now you're acting like his mother again."

"Well someone has to!"

His smirk softening to a grin, if only for a split second, and they walked on towards the nearest phone-card kiosk.

"What about maid service once in a while?" he suggested.

"Would we need to cover their haz-mat suits & danger pay?"

"Good point."

* * *

 

"What's the piss-ant doing at the mall?"

Itachi swallowed a sigh and glanced over his shoulder in the direction Shisui faced. Sure enough, there stood his younger brother along with one of his best friends, looking through a calling card display outside a cellphone vendor.

"My guess would be shopping."

"With a hottie like that?"

 

Itachi turned away and nodded in welcome to Madara, who approached from another direction.

"You don't remember Sasuke's friend, Sakura? You're losing your touch, Shisui."

But Shisui had whirled back around again now to openly gawk at the young pair.

" _That's_ Sakura?"

"That's what he just said, yes," growled Madara in irritation. If he'd known Shisui would be joining them, he would have brought a box of electrical tape to cover the idiot's oversized mouth. And perhaps enough to bind and restrain Shisui so he could be moved easily in and out of the trunk of his own vehicle. Or secured to the front hood.

 

_Or even dragged behind it for a while_ , thought Madara cheerfully, now that he was warming up to the topic. _And they could suspend him over a pool of salt and lemon juice thereafter, and…_ Madara's cruel eyes glazed over in gleeful morbidity as the fantasy took hold. But only for a moment—Shisui had started peppering Itachi with questions about Sasuke's lovely companion.

Not that Madara was paying any attention whatsoever to whatever (or whoever, in this particular case) had caught the degenerate's eye this time, bearing in mind Shisui's lowly attention span. Considering the man had been amused by a piece of sparkling plastic, Madara wasn't impressed. Which was only the afternoon prior.

"Helloooo, nurse!" This time it was Shisui who growled, but appreciatively.

"Did you bring a crate for him?" Madara asked Itachi. The long-haired man gave Madara an amused, if faintly exasperated, look.

"Do you think he'd re-introduce us?" Shisui asked, considering Sasuke.

"No," replied the other two Uchihas firmly. In unison, even.

"Then I'll need to create an opportunity," mumbled Shisui to himself, hand rubbing thoughtfully at his chin.

Itachi remained impassive (he'd probably already been anticipating this, realized Madara), but the eldest Uchiha did no sign up for damage control duty for his cousin that afternoon and wanted none of it. But how to thwart Shisui? And who was this damn 'Sakura' he was suddenly so infatuated with?

This time Madara deigned to follow Shisui's line of sight, searching for Sasuke in order to determine at least the physical likeness of the girl.

-and promptly stopped dead in his tracks.

* * *

 

Shisui made his first move with panache.

… Which left the remaining Uchihas with plenty of room to improve and correct the situation afterwards, not only making Shisui look like, to be perfectly frank, a Douche, but making the rest of his company seem impeccable in comparison.

Especially once Sakura put him down so she could go wash her bloody knuckles in the ladies'.

"A little help?" gasped Shisui from his pulpy mass on the floor. The gathered crowds were dissipating at Sasuke's glare, and Itachi looked down at Shisui to assess his condition.

"Idiot," scoffed Sasuke, crossing his arms in front of him. He wasn't helping him up. The young man smirked darkly at his wounded older cousin a moment before realizing Shisui hadn't been alone. Sasuke's dark brows pulled together in suspicion as Itachi and, behind him, Madara slowly approached. "What's going on?"

"I think she ruptured my kidney…"

"You deserve it," the youngest Uchiha glared downward at his writhing relation. "And I wasn't talking to you."

"Agreed," remarked Itachi, checking casually to see if the rose-haired aggressor was on her way back yet. She was still occupied in the washroom. He'd been surprised and impressed she remembered how to throw the hook he'd taught her, two summers earlier. His little Boss was getting all grown up and downing Shisui with a single punch.

"We were already here. Shisui wanted to re-introduce himself into your girlfriend."

The temperature dropped ten degrees as Sasuke turned coldly to Madara.

"To reintroduce himself 'to', not 'into'."

While Sasuke's tone was acidic, Madara refused to let his smirk show (on the outside).

Sasuke wondered at his older relation's 'slips' sometimes, for his part, but decided to clarify regardless. "And she isn't my girlfriend. We've known each other since we were kids. She knows most of the family these days. Even Itachi looks out for her like a sister. In his own way."

Madara's eyebrows rose at that, and he glanced at Itachi.

The long-haired Uchiha gave a subtle nod to confirm this may or may not have been true, and Madara wondered how (and why) they had kept the little fire-cracker to themselves.

The Uchiha siblings looked relaxed (if personally inconvenienced by their cousin's current condition), but neither failed to notice the interest sparking in Madara's eyes. Of course there were reasons they had kept the two from meeting: it had to do with both sharing that unnerving penchant for violence, for one thing…

"True, she is more like a sister or cousin. Our mother treats her as a daughter."

The eldest Uchiha only half-listened to Itachi's low voice, his mind on a certain pink-haired, short-skirted explosive. One he was starting to consider scrawling his name all over, every enchanting inch.

Sasuke straightened when he noticed his brother's attention wander back to the direction of the washrooms—sure enough, Sakura was on her way back to them.

"We would hate to hold you up," Madara smiled politely and tucked his hands in his pockets, watching Sasuke. The short-haired Uchiha watched him right back, not trusting him for a minute. Only a fool would trust Madara.

"Hnn."

I'll see you at home," Itachi interjected as his brother passed by. Sasuke's eyes widened minutely before he nodded in understanding and went to meet Sakura, away from his family.

"They would make such a nice, incestuous couple," remarked Madara idly as Sasuke steered Sakura in the direction directly opposite that of his family.

"Hn."

Madara sighed in contentment (a chilling sound to any who'd ever heard it), and he meandered around d a minute, his expression calculating. After a minute of dawdling there, there came a muffled crunching noise, followed by Shisui's gasping yelp.

"My fingers! Madara, you bastar—Argh! Not my kidney again…"

Looking as innocent as a babe, Madara smiled serenely and wiped his shoes on Shisui's back. His eyes were trained on the departing couple, glued to the back of one pink-haired young woman.

Far ahead, Sakura felt the back of her neck prickle in warning.

"Hn?"

She glanced over her shoulder to see what had set off the strange reaction, but Sasuke settled an arm around her shoulder and directed her around a corner, out of sight.  
"I thought I felt someone's eyes on me."

"Hn."

Her eyebrow quirked at his non-response, but she let it go.

Sasuke didn't' drop his arm until he was sure they were in a different wing of the mall than his family.

* * *

 

Sasuke didn't groan the way he normally would have when they entered the department store that anchored the far end of the mall, no matter how much he loathed shopping. It had been his idea to go there in the first place, and he was not backing down and turning in any other direction until he knew the coast was clear. Since meeting his family, he had been trying to keep Sakura away from his crazy relatives, and hoped his brother was doing his civic duty by returning the favour and taking the others home. Or getting them committed. He'd even accept confined under lock-up for a night at the nearest jail or detention center, just until he knew they couldn't accidentally run into his far-too-pretty-for-her-own good best friend again. Ever.

In all honesty, Shisui's little flirtation, if inappropriate, didn't worry him in the slightest. Sakura had already proven she could handle him, easily.

No, what had concerned him was that teeny, tiny, almost imperceptible flicker of interest that had sparked in Madara's eyes when she'd floored his idiot cousin.

Sasuke felt a little shiver shimmy down his spine and glanced around—for the -nth time—searching for any sign of his sadistic relation. He was sure he'd felt eyes on them again.

Sakura didn't miss the furtive move, though, and finally quirked an eyebrow up at him in question.

"What has you so paranoid today, Sasuke? We shook your fangirls back at the Hot Topic, didn't we? Were there stragglers?"

His search turned up empty, though the uncanny feeling remained. "Nothing, no," he answered slowly, turning back to her.

"Ok…." The basket weighing on the crook of her elbow piled high with men's socks, underwear, and undershirts—as well as few treats for their friend—she led the way towards the checkout. "Well, I think we're done shopping for Naruto with this. Is it ok if we stop in at the pharmacy on the way out? I need a few things for myself."

_Absolutely not,_ he wanted to say; but one look at her reminded him of the state Shisui ended up in subsequent to disobeying her.

"As long as it's fast—I need to do something with my family tonight."

Understated synonym for 'arranging peace bonds or restraining orders'.

"Sure!"

"Hn…"

The whole way through the mall, Sasuke felt the glare on the back of his neck, raising the fine hairs in instinctual warning.

* * *

 

There was only one way in and out of the candy shop, and Itachi was guarding it like a hawk.

"What about gum drops?"

"As you wish," he replied to Madara's highly excited voice.

He kept his eyes on the dark, spiky hair as it gamboled and gallivanted through the Sugar Shack. Partly suicidal, indeed, but it was the one place he knew he could trust Madara to stay focused.

On his freakish sweet tooth.

"Licorice?"

"If you have room in your cart."

"Whoo-hoo!"

Feeling the older man was too enthralled to escape for a moment, Itachi glanced down at his phone, and sent a quick text to Shisui in the First Aid station, to see how he fared.

_ColdOne: Status? Report._ _  
_

_LadiesDLight: So much pain. Nurse is too cute. Will be here for a little while. Bring flowers for me to give her?_ _  
_

_ColdOne: No. Suffer. We'll collect you before we go._ _  
_

_LadiesDLight: You're such a bastard, Ita._ _  
_

Itachi smirked slightly and glanced up again.

And felt his facial muscles freeze.

There was a pile of candy at his feet; the cashier was trying to get his attention, pointing to the register; and the store had become strangely, eerily quiet.

Then it hit him.

Madara was gone.

Sasuke was going to kill him.

* * *

 

"Your phone?"

Sakura tilted her head at Sasuke's pocket, and he pulled out the buzzing PDA.

"It's my brother. You go in, I'll be right behind you," he said, and waved her off as he answered. Out of habit now, he turned around to scan the mall corridor. The feel of eyes on him had suddenly retreated, and he didn't know whether to be relieved or concerned.

"Hey."

As always, Itachi was brief. "He's loose."

Sasuke swore.

"We're at the pharmacy across from the book-."

"On my way."

So apparently 'concerned' was the correct answer.

Hastily Sasuke shoved the phone back in its holster, as opposed to whipping it down the hallway the way he desperately wanted to. That was it. They were screwed.

He turned back to the pharmacy and jogged in, his eyes peeled for Sakura and anyone with spiky midnight black hair that wasn't himself.

Oh, he was going to kill Itachi….

* * *

 

"Excuse me, Miss?"

Sakura looked up from her short list at the inquiring, smooth male voice.

"Hm?"

"Do you know where I'd find the tensor bandages?"

Not paying too much attention to the man in question, she leaned back in order to view the signs hanging above for the nearby aisles, she smiled and pointed. "Two aisles that-a-way, probably on your left."

"Thank you very much."

_What a nice guy,_ she thought to herself, and went back to reviewing the racks for the cold medicine she'd been asked to pick up for her neighbour.

A few minutes later she was in the shampoo section, and heard the same polite man interrupt her again.

"I'm sorry to bother you twice, but the hair conditioner-."

"You're looking at it," she pointed directly in front of, her eyebrow pitching north. Noticing just how wild his hair was—and unsure whether it was deliberately styled that way (which was pretty hot), or whether it was natural (the poor guy, he had some weird variation of Sasuke's chicken-butt-head)—she led him down a few feet to the Super Intense Hydration and Naturally Calming conditioner section. "You may find these helpful."

"Thank you again…"

She nodded quickly and waved goodbye. Though faintly annoyed, Sakura admitted she found his awkwardness kind of endearing. But she was not about to just offer her name and number to some random guy (even if he was… ok, more than a little hot).

She glared at Sasuke in her patent StayTenFeetAwayOrElse way when she entered the feminine hygiene aisle and went to grab a box of tampons.

Surprise surprise, though, there was another male who obviously didn't sense the pending Imminent Murder vibes she was giving off, and stood directly in front of her when she turned to head to the cashier.

Her face would have run into his chest if he hadn't reached out to steady her, grasping her shoulders firmly in his strong, long-fingered hands.

"Careful," he said softly.

_Oh dear,_ thought Sakura, that voice was almost hypnotic.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to-."

Wait, she recognized the shoes she was staring at.

Sure enough, there he was again.

Ok, her creeper-RADAR was officially on high alert. Even if he was quite handsome, in a wild kind of way.

He smiled at her, and she felt her stomach bottom out.

Creeper…-RADAR… stalling…

"Would you mind giving me your opinion on something?"

"You know, I really need to go pay for my things—"

"It'll only take a second. I'd really appreciate a woman's perspective."

Then his wide mouth tilted in a boyish grin, and she was enthralled by it. Her RADAR went down in a fiery crash of pheromone overstimulation.

"…Ok."

Wait a second, why was she smiling back? Sakura tried to regain her footing. This was a Potential Creeper. She'd been warned about guys like him. Slightly older, good-looking, polite, well-off going by his casual if close-fitting, designer clothing, athletically fit, hot as sin and twice as tempting men who… _damn those pants fit him well…._ _  
_

Sakura felt herself biting her lower lip in unconscious want.

Then mentally shook herself.

Whoa.

… Or just some guy who wanted her number. Potential Creeper. Right.

She still followed him to the next aisle over.

But where was Sasuke? He was there a minute ago, wasn't he?

(Sasuke was in fact taken aside by a security guard who'd been tipped off he was shoplifting. Anonymously tipped off. Sasuke was so going to kill Madara.)

The man stopped in front of her and smiled at her, his eyes dark and shining.

Sakura ignored the feeling of familiarity it roused in her as he gently put a hand to her lower back and turned her to look at the display before them.

"In your own, personal opinion, which is better, ribbed or microthin?"

Sakura's choked on air when the arm at her back slid lower to her…

"Ooh, look, they have a sampler box! And flavoured lube—mph!"

A moment later Sasuke—looking quite distressed—rushed up to her as she paid for her purchases at the checkout counter.

"Sakura are you ok!"

She smiled serenely at him. "Of course, why wouldn't I be?"

There was a cheerful _ding!_ from above as the PA system addressed the patrons of the pharmacy.

"Clean up in Aisle Six… Clean up in Aisle Six… Bleach and body fluid clean-up required… Clean up in Aisle Six… Also, please have attendant standing by at rear store entrance, in preparation for paramedic transport…"

Sasuke glanced upwards at the ceiling, paling.

"Will that be all today, ma'am?"

"Yes, thank you," Sakura finished cleaning her hands off with the baby wipe she'd pulled from the travel pack she had collected on her way to the check out, and passed her credit card to the young woman. "May I?" she asked the clerk, nodding to the complimentary hand sanitizer dispenser by the cash.

"Please help yourself."

"Thank you."

"Ready to head home?" Sasuke asked his (terrifying) friend. His voice may have been a bit tight, but that was just… the air conditioning. Or something.

"You bet!"

"Right…"

He didn't turn around when he heard groaning coming from Aisle Six.

And Itachi did not relay, later when he collected Madara from the ER outpatient, the eldest Uchiha's declaration of devotion to his new 'Goddess of Pain'.

He sure as Hell was NEVER going to let Sasuke in on the fact that Madara really had gone through with things and purchased the items he'd last been discussing with Sakura.

"Can you believe they had a BOGO deal on the variety boxes and warming jelly!"

No, Itachi thought with a shiver, he couldn't.

* * *

**End.**

**AN: Sakura is a Boss. That is all.**


End file.
